Monday, April 5, 2010

Dear Abby, [a-hem] Hockey Momma....

Dear Abby Hockey Momma,
Here's one thing I need to know from you, Mamma hockey ... how do you handle it when your boys are receiving some of those tough checks and blows that they so often get in hockey? I played hockey for years, but now, as a Mom, I think I'm going to be totally freaked out when they reach the body contact age.

Dear New-Hockey-Mom Janna
Here are some helpful tips with regards to the "tough checks and blows" your children will receive in hockey:

1. Don't let them grow up. Keep them young and small forever. I tried this. It didn't work. I discovered that they kept growing because I kept feeding them. That was my mistake. All are towering over me now, as high as 6'1". Try limiting food to bread and water. Do not buy them larger clothes; make them wear the small clothing which may help to stunt their growth.

2. Keep them in House League hockey. There is no body contact in House League. This is the League that we have allowed our children to play in the past. If Jake were allowed to play contact hockey, I'm pretty sure he'd have killed someone by now. I'd currently be visiting him in prison, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't allow me in his cell to decorate it in some fresh Spring colours and patterns.

3. If playing Rep. hockey, let your children play the position of GOALTENDER. Every parent cringes when hearing their child say, "I wanna be the Goalie"; however, the "tough checks and blows" will never reach your child. NO ONE TOUCHES THE GOALIE. All team players instinctively protect their Goalie at ALL cost, just as mother bears protect their cubs. Players thrive on sacrificing time in the penalty box if it's in honour of protecting the Goalie. Only contact the Goalie receives is a "snowed face", which the Goalie usually likes because it's refreshing to him (and if you have good referees, they will throw the "snower" into the penalty box.... Bonus! Power Play for your team!). Part way into this year's season, Jared was called up to a Rep. team to fill a vacant Goalie position. Lots of equipment protecting him AND lots of players protecting him resulted in Momma feeling quite at ease whilst cheering very loudly in the stands... with her cup o' Timmies..... and her cowbell.

4. Don't worry, everyone knows children are made of rubber.

5. Let out a scream, then quickly cover your eyes.

6. Lots of PRAYER doesn't hurt, either.

I trust this small list of tips will be helpful in your venture into the world of children's hockey. Don't forget to wear longjohns, pack extra blankets and warm boots and gloves for arenas that have not yet figured out how to heat the stands with propane, take your cowbell or sealed can containing two pennies. Never yell at the refs, and above all else, remember your Tim Horton's card.

And as a final word, I've learned the last number of years that "what goes around comes around"...... now you know, Ms. Janna, how your poor Momma felt when YOU were on the ice! She can now be heard saying, "YES!!! There IS a God!!!" hahahaa

1 comment:

Janna said...

You are absolutely fantastic! Just what I needed!!!!! You could have been a comedian, you know ... a wise, filled-with-truth comedian!